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I told myself I would write these things down right away, so that there was some permanent record of them because pregnancy brain just gives way to mom brain, but of course here we are 4 months later (oops, now 6 months) and I am just sitting down to record the day Reese arrived.

It was a pretty ordinary Sunday morning for me. I was meal planning and making a grocery list, Micahel  had actually met some friends at the gun range to do a little shooting. Laura had worked the night before, so she was downstairs sleeping.  I still felt pretty good for 39 weeks pregnant.  I has ridiculous swelling and was tired, but those things just come with being pregnant, so I couldn’t really complain.  It was when I went to the bathroom at about 11 that I realized there was something abnormal going on, and after consulting with nurse Laura and calling my doctors office, I was to head to the hospital to get checked out.

I remember calling Michael and asking him to come home instead of head out to lunch with the guys.  It was surreal for both of us, me telling him we were headed to the hospital, this might actually be it, asking him to drive careful and take his time, it wasn’t an emergency yet.  Of course being the ultimate procrastinator that I am, there was no hospital bag packed yet so I headed upstairs to tend to that, all the time thinking that I might be meeting my daughter soon. Michael has been packed for the last 2 weeks (maybe even 2 months), so he was ready to walk out the door when he got home.

We got checked into triage where they informed me that I was having contractions 2-3 minutes apart.  I had no clue, I am still unsure if that is because I am so out of tune with my own body, or if I found some amazing bit of pain tolerance to get me through labor and delivery.  I was only dilated to 1 at the time, so after a few hours of monitoring and seeing that Reese was doing just fine, they told us to go home and wait it out there for something else to happen.  I was fine with that, still thinking that Reese was going to be late not early, and planned on going to work the next morning.

When we left the hospital I asked Michael to take me to Costco and Target so that I could do my weekly grocery shopping so that we would be prepared for the week. We got everything that we needed and headed home, ready to start another week.  A couple of hours later, I knew that something just wasn’t right, so after another call to the on call doctor, they told us to head to the hospital, we were going to have a baby!

I remember standing in the nursery at that moment, thinking to myself that the next time we came back it would be with our daughter.  It was such a surreal moment, empty handed and big bellied one moment, knowing it was just a matter of time before that scenario was reversed.  Michael came inside from his nightly dog duties, and with a huge smile on his face I let him know that this was it. We gathered our bags, checked the car seat one last time, and off to the hospital we went.

There are some moments that are so clear to me still, and that drive to the hospital was one of them.  I remember looking at Michael and saying how we would never be alone again. That from here on out it was a family of three, that hopefully we had sowed our oats and were ready for this new chapter. I cried a little, grateful for the awesome life that we had built together, excitedly thinking about watching Michael become a daddy, and honestly mourning the end of life as just Michael and Jenn.  I loved what we were together, but I knew that that would never be the same again.

To be continued…

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guilt

I have decided in the last few months that the world has done a large injustice to pregnant women, feeding them thoughts and ideas about how beautiful the process is and what a miracle it is, how grateful we should be for the opportunity to bear children.  Don’t misconstrue what I am trying to say, for  I know that it is a gift and a miracle to be pregnant, and I am so very grateful that my body is designed for this task, but really, I also think it sucks. 

I have been dying to be pregnant and have a baby since about 20. When Michael and I got married, me at the young age of 24 (didn’t think it was young then, know I know how young I was) and Michael at 28, we decided to give ourselves a few years, get to know married life, enjoy late nights out and sleeping in, finish a bottle or two of wine at night because there were no responsibilities the next day.  It was an enjoyable 4 years, we have a small handle on what married life is like (bottom line is it is always evolving), but in my core my need and desire to be a mother nagged at me everyday.  All this to say, I should love this.  As my husband reminds me nearly every day, ‘isn’t this exactly what you wanted?’  And so I feel guilt, every day. because I hate this.  Because this 6 oz 5 inch baby hasn’t made me feel like a mother, or like a woman with super powers growing this incredible miracle child.

I feel guilty because I haven’t done a single thing to prepare. I have so many friends around me who are pregnant right now, one is even due just 1 day before me, and they are becoming so prepared.  Nursery furniture is bought, sweet little items of clothing are hanging in the closet, names are picked out, patches of paint colors are on the walls to see how the light warms each one, and then there is my husband and I.  We have done nothing. Michael won’t talk about names until we know what we are having, the current guest room that will become the nursery is a disaster still, in need of a serious overhaul before we can even consider where we will put a crib. For the first time this weekend I let myself wander over to the baby section to paw through the racks, and there are some lovely little bitty outfits, but still nothing that I came home with. 

I can’t help but wonder what is wrong with me. Why when you get the thing you really want all of the sudden it isn’t so grand. I am willing to give myself some grace because my first trimester wasn’t easy, and I refused to get attached to this baby because 20% or pregnancies end in miscarriage.  Then for 5 straight weeks I woke up nauseous and stayed that way every single minute of the day.  Talk about a buzz kill, there was no pregnancy glow in my life, just a horrid green pallor.  My skin went to hell and I couldn’t use any of my prescribed medications on it. Then the weight gain started, and as much as I knew that it was healthy and a required part of pregnancy, I still hated it. 

All of this to say, my expectations of pregnancy were so skewed. Maybe from the way people have talked about theirs, partially from the books and blogs I have read, and in some way I am sure that they way I have seen them portrayed on television and movies helped me form those expectations.  I wish that somewhere along the way someone had been a little more transparent about what it really looked like and felt like.  The way you can have mommy guilt before you have ever even help your little love.  At the end of the day, I am still wildly in love with the child that is growing inside of me, and I am in awe of the miracle that started as 1 microscopic part of me combined with one microscopic part of Michael. I don’t mean to complain, because I know that many women will never get to know the joy of carrying their own child, I just want to be honest.  I suppose that is why I have been a little MIA lately. I just don’t feel particularly gushy about this whole pregnancy thing, like I though that I would.  I think that may be changing now, as I have actually felt like a normal human being for the last couple of weeks, we find out the gender on June 12th, and things like the nursery can only be ignored for so long. Hopefully I will be back around, filling you in. I know my dad is waiting, he was complaining yesterday that I do not update this nearly often enough. So this one is for you Papa, hopefully I am back in the saddle again!

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1. Starburst Jellybeans! No other jellybean is acceptable, but these are amazing to me.  I swear they taste just like eating real fruit, and I can pretty much trick myself into believing I have gotten a serving of fruit just by eating these!

2. 21 Jump Street. If you haven’t seen this yet, do it! I had my reservations about Channing Tatum doing comedy, but honestly I think he was spot on, and together with Jonah Hill it was non stop laughs.

2. Whole Foods Sparkling Blood Orange Italian Soda. Holy stars this is amazing! We love all of the flavors, but the blood orange one is by far our favorite. So crisp, refreshing, and bubbly!

3.  My awesome church, Flatirons Community Church. We just wrapped up the most awesome series, Reverse Engineering and I feel truly blessed to be under such awesome leadership and teaching.  Truly the best series I have ever had the opportunity to enjoy,  and I was truly eager to get to church each week and hear it!

4.  My small group. March was a really challenging month for the lovely group of ladies that I get to do life with, and I know that I am blessed to work through life with them.

5. 21 Jump Street. If you haven’t seen this yet, do it! I had my reservations about Channing Tatum doing comedy, but honestly I think he was spot on, and together with Jonah Hill it was non stop laughs.

 

6. Another season of the Bachelor. I know, seriously it is embarrassing to fess up to this love, but it is true, and there were few things I enjoyed talking about more on Tuesdays that the mess that was the Bachelor the night before. Oh the manufactured drama, I just can not get enough!

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